Thursday, February 10, 2011

Following Folly

  So today I was showing a friend how to set up and use Twitter. Not the hardest thing, so while he was building his profile, I was reviewing and managing my own account on my computer. I scrolled through my “follows” and “following”, and then looked down to see what was listed today under “Who to Follow”.
  Usually this is someone really cool – a celebrity of some sort, perhaps, or an especially snarky blogger. But today? Oh, today, little reader. Today what was under that illustrious heading was…drum roll please………Weight Watchers.
  That’s right, even my Twitter thinks I could do with a few less donuts. Now as I have said before, I’m not the skinniest thing in the world. I could possibly even eat the skinniest thing in the world and not worry about indigestion. But neither am I stuck-in-the-house-cuz-I-can’t-get-my-fat-ass-out-the-door fat. Or even help-I-need-a-wench-to-get-in-my-car fat. I am medium build, with a little extra fluff – a voluptuous goddess. And I’m cool with it. Mostly because I like food, hate exercise, and my wife loves me just like I am. Oh, and pizza. There’s always pizza. But I digress.
  At first I was disheartened by this suggestion to follow the Leader of Less Poundage. Are there little Twitter gremlins staring out at me while I type? Watching me finish off that bag of Doritos? Do they know I went to Taco Bell twice in one day, simply because the children were in school and I could? I never dreamt the government would go this far.
  But then as I calmed down (with a bag of chips, no less), I realized that there probably were no little Twitter gremlins. That this was just some unhappy accident of randomness, and no one was watching me sneak the last bag of the children’s fruit snacks while they slept. Things do happen that way, of course, with no real pattern. Like teen pregnancy or reality television. I choose to believe that this was one of those occurrences, and just brush it off.
  But I’ll tell you right now, if there are any little Twitter gremlins lurking, chuckling as I reach for that pint of Ben & Jerry’s – I have a message for you…
  I am not afraid of you. And I bet you’re quite tasty with ranch. Bring it.

Friday, January 21, 2011

They Joys of Working at Home


  I don’t know how many of you have the immense pleasure of being able to write for a living from the comfort of your own home, but it has many wonderful benefits. Such as being able to work in your pajamas, raid your own pantry, and eschew the bother of make-up.
   But there are cons, as well. At least in my house. For starters, there are two children, six animals, and my lovely, wonderful partner that also reside in the domicile. This comes with a myriad of cons, little reader. I assure you.
  The children absolutely insist that they be fed first thing in the morning, coddled, dressed, and then taxied to a higher learning establishment. Demanding things, children. I think this is a missed marketing opportunity just waiting to be snatched up. Those elusive and confounding creatures called “morning people” could make a killing if they were to make a career out of handling other people’s early, tiny-tyrant, pre-school duties. Just saying. Of course, I couldn’t pay anyone to do this, because as we mentioned before – I am a writer who works from home. Which translates to “broke”. But if anyone is looking for a volunteer opportunity, hit me up.
  Then there are the animals. For those of you who have cats, you will completely understand what I’m about to say. Cats have no real interest in you whatsoever unless you are doing something else that does not involve them. And they get really interested if you look like you might be minutely comfortable doing it. So once I get myself settled into my nice, overstuffed couch, coffee on the stand next to me, laptop up and raring to go, the heretofore unseen feline creatures (of which there are four – count them, four – in my house) suddenly appear, seeming to be unable to live one second longer without my complete attention. It should be noted that should I choose to try and ignore them, they will plant themselves squarely on my keyboard until I remedy my apparently unforgivable actions.
  Lastly, but definitely not least(ly?), my wonderful partner has a work schedule that doesn’t start until hours after I am up and going after having deposited the small Nazis at school. She also has breathing issues (as opposed to dealing with me issues) that require her to sleep on the couch many nights so she can prop herself up properly. Therefore when I am ready to dig into my writing, there is generally a Great Grumpy Beast sleeping in my “office”.
  There are several reasons this works against me. For one, as you might have guessed from her title, she is not a morning person. No – that’s an understatement. She has temporary Tourette’s. Never fear, little reader. It only affects her in the mornings and when she plays Call of Duty. Otherwise, she just has your normal, everyday potty mouth. Secondly, she also has the ability to sleep through a nuclear holocaust. Or as it turns out most mornings, her alarm. In addition, she has a rather unusual sense of humor, so while I am trying to work on rewrites for my novel, I am usually assaulted by a random quote from Beavis & Butthead, Akmed the Dead Terrorist, or her current choice – the theme from Halloween. After a good 5 or 10 minutes of praying that she will hear it, I will generally try to get her attention to turn the damn thing off, and the conversation goes a little like this:

            Me: Hey
            Her: snore
            Me: Hey
            Her: snore
            Me: Hey!
            Her: #%@&!
            Me: Yeah, good morning to you too
            Her: $*%(^!
            Me: Your alarm…?
            Her: snore
            Me: Your alarm!!!
            Her: I  @*%(#  hear it!
            Me: I’m sure. Can you turn it off now?
            Her: #$)%)@
            Me: Thanks.

  Now, please understand, little reader – this is the kindest, most considerate woman I know (besides myself, of course). So please don’t judge her based on her illness. Many times I have told her of the loving conversations we’ve had when she’s half asleep and she is deeply ashamed. Of course, it could all be an act. Women are crazy, after all.
  Eventually, she is successfully roused and turns human again, and heads off to work. This is the best time of the day for me, because the house is empty, the cats are still sleeping, the dogs have been let out, and I can write to my heart’s content. At least until one of the furry children need attention and/or food and/or to be let outside. When are they going to make dogs with thumbs?
  Anyway, I wish you all a productive and interruption-free day. You probably won’t get it, but I wish it for you in any case. Now if you’ll excuse me, Halloween is calling.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

New Review Up!

There's a wonderful new review up for my short story, Of Fate and Fire. Click below to read it!



Thank you to Ren Thompson, who took time from her busy schedule to read and review my story!

Rebecca

Monday, November 22, 2010

Of Blood and Wine - Sample 2


All material © Rebecca Rhielle
2010


Isadora lunged forward, thrusting the sword into the chained vampire for what seemed like the hundredth time. He cried out in agony, and she watched indifferently as his skin knitted itself back together within seconds. Looking back and forth between the two restrained guards, she found herself wishing their race didn’t heal quite so quickly. It was terribly difficult to get satisfactory torture results when dealing with immortals.
  This is becoming tedious, she thought sadly. They couldn’t carry out a simple death order, and now they can’t even keep me entertained. Ah, well…everything outlives its usefulness, I suppose.
  “You are no longer serve any purpose for me,” she told her prisoners. Gregor opened his mouth to protest, but Isadora whirled around with the sword, beheading both of them in one swing.
  “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said, addressing the head that was now rolling across the stone floor. “Were you going to say something? No? Alright then.”
  Dropping the bloodied sword to the ground with a clatter, she turned to her new set of guards.
  “Clean up this filth, and then draw me a bath. I need to soak away this stress.”
  Inspired by the example made of their predecessors, they scurried to obey, leaving Isadora to pout in the great oak chair at the head of her rooms.
  Why does everyone fail me? First that sniveling Hunter, and then my own guards! What does a girl have to do to get good minions?
  As she was imagining all the wonderful ways she would torture Rolf and his family when she found them, her new sentries entered the rooms and announced that her bath had been readied.
  Isadora sauntered out the side door to the washroom and her gilded tub, pausing to give each of them a lingering kiss on the cheek.
  “Thank you, loves. Now go on back to…well…whatever it is that you do when you’re not serving me. I will ring if the need arises.”
  Bowing low, they turned and exited the room, and Isadora was again alone with her thoughts and the sumptuous feel of warm water on bare skin. Closing her eyes as she laid back against the edge of the tub, she reached out with her mind, attempting to eavesdrop on her four little rogues. Locating them easily – and clucking her tongue at their folly of leaving their minds open – she wormed her way into their conversation as she lounged.
  Absently she listened to Dimitri, Tannis and Aurelius plotting their futile insurrection, but quickly found it boring. Searching again, she came to Elspeth, lying on the bed and sobbing.
  What’s this? Isadora thought with delight.
  Our little newling is upset? She grinned wide. How tragic.
  Probing into Elspeth’s thoughts, she quickly surmised the cause of her tears.
  The gypsy girl? She’s in love with a Hunter? Oh, that’s rich. I knew she was stupid, but this?
  She laughed as she sunk lower into the bath, reveling in Elspeth’s heartache and finding it the perfect balm to calm her nerves. A wicked idea popped into her head then, and her eyes flew open at the sheer genius of it.
  Oh, yes, Isadora thought with excitement, this is just too easy…

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Sorry, I can only have friends with dirty houses...


  It’s nothing personal. Clean houses just wig me out. I’m always wondering…can I touch this? Can I sit here? Is this for show or to actually use? Like those little towels people hang up this time of year – you know, the ones with the appliqués on them? Why would anyone do this to an item meant to soak up moisture? And once you have successfully dried your hands, you feel obligated to fold it back just so in order to display said cutesy appliqué appropriately. It’s insanity. But I digress. Let’s return to the point, shall we?
  For those of you out there who have children and manage to keep a clean house, I applaud you. Mostly because you scare the hell out of me, and I don’t want to offend you, lest I have some horrible dust-rag accident while sleeping. But as much as I admire your efforts, don’t expect me to come over anytime soon. Or ever. My children would turn your house upside down before you could say "Nanny 911". And don’t expect me to invite you over, either. If you are concerned enough about the condition of your house that you find it necessary to trail after your little ones and pick up every little dropsy (or even worse – have successfully trained them to do it), I am relatively sure your head would explode upon entering my home. Not that I live in a pigsty, or anything approximating it. But by the heavens…I have children! Messy, drawing-on-the-walls, what-the-hell-did-you-just-wipe-on-my-couch, don’t-eat-that-you-have-no-idea-how-old-it-is-and-what-were-you-doing-under-the-bed-in-the-first-place children. And that’s how it should be, in my opinion.
  Children are visceral, primal creatures. And while I can understand the need to instill a sense of general tidiness in them, eventually you have to pick your battles. Well, maybe you don’t, little Martha Stewart-esque reader. But I do.
  Is it a big deal if my son decides to see how long half of a peanut butter sandwich will stick to the wall before falling off? Yes, yes it is. Because eventually one of the animals will smell/see it there, and commence tearing the wall to pieces trying to reach it. Now, if he sticks it where the dog can reach, I might be persuaded to ignore it. (Side note – never, ever, ever have small children without at least one dog. You have no idea how much work it will save you. You’re welcome.)
Is it a big deal if my daughter draws a stick figure of herself on her doorframe and writes her name under it? No, I don’t think it is. It’s cute, it’s an artistic expression, and I only allow them access to washable markers. What do you think I am, stupid?
  Yes, you could write your own name in the dust on my shelves more often than I would like. (If you do, please just refrain from dating it. Thank you, The Management.). But that is not what I see as important. My children are crazy, funny, creative, interesting little individuals. I would rather enjoy the chaos of a sheet tent collapsing all over my living room and trapping at least three animals underneath with us and all the dollies that were invited to the tea party. (Note: Be sure to stop at the entrance of the tent to get your stamp before proceeding to the party. My daughter is quite firm on this.)
  Does it matter in the grand scheme of things whether or not their clothes are picked up, or their shoes put in just the right place, or my home is always show-ready? No, no it does not. What matters is that when people walk in my door, they feel relaxed, at ease, at home, and do not completely freak out if their kid drops spaghetti all over my floor. That’s what the dogs are for, anyway. And that is what is important to me. A sense of comfort, of welcoming, no matter where they come from or who they are. A place of rest, with no judgment or comparisons of best housekeeping tips.
  In the immortal words of my friend who visits with her two kids often, “You know, your house always makes me feel better about my own.”
  I’ll take that as a compliment.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Sample from "Of Blood and Wine"

I have decided to post little pieces of my novel on here, just to see what the readers think. So take a look and let me know. I'll be updating periodically, in between my usual raving.
***

All material © Rebecca Rhielle
2010


  Elspeth tried to rehearse what she would say to this Wise Woman as she walked toward the edge of the village.
  Hello, there! Beautiful night, isn’t it? I was wondering if you might be able to help me. It’s nothing much really…I just need something to kill the oldest vampire in existence. Have anything for that?
  She shook her head in frustration. There had to be a better way to approach it.
  As she thought, a little cottage came into view, right on the tree-lined border surrounding the hamlet. There was a wooden fence painted in bright colors, and the space in front of the dwelling was overflowing with all manner of plants, flowers and herbs.
  Well, this must be the place.
  Elspeth moved tentatively through the garden and up to the entrance. Intricate carvings covered the door – cryptic symbols, moons and stars, half moons, strange depictions of flora she did not recognize, and beautiful swirls intertwined throughout. She lifted her hand to knock, but the door opened before she had the chance.
  ‘Crone’ was the only word Elspeth could think of to describe the woman in the doorway. Her face was a collection of leathery wrinkles, and her posture was stooped with age. But her eyes were a warm, sparkling brown, and they twinkled with bemused wisdom.
  “Hello Elspeth,” the hedgewitch croaked. “I’ve been expecting you.”

Thursday, October 28, 2010

A blanket named Cindy


  I think, perhaps, I have overdone it a bit with my encouragement of the children’s supernatural outlook on life. I wanted to raise kids that see faeries instead of fireflies, that exclaim on our walks, “Look mama! The trees are dancing with the wind! Do you think they have special tree music?” And I have those things, and am grateful for them.
  Both children regularly came outside to say hello to the fairies/fireflies during the summer when they were most prolific. And my son is constantly finding things that he is convinced were left by elves or gnomes, and is a firm believer in the old adage that it is the gnomes that steal one of your socks when it’s laundry day.
  When they are having nightmares, they ask for holy water and sage to cleanse their rooms, and like to waft it around themselves, mixing traditional prayers with protection chants and pleas to their guardian angels.
  They even have their own little amethyst and rutilated quartz that they cleansed on their own and sleep with under their pillows. Or pillow pets, as it were (commercialism is still alive and well in my house). And my five-year-old daughter knows to use apophyllite to intensify the energy of other crystals to “pick out the best rock” at the metaphysical store.
  So I have raised these children with a healthy dose of respect for all religions, a vehement respect for nature and her gifts, and a conglomeration of many different viewpoints that make up our own eclectic beliefs.
  But now, however, it seems to have taken on a life of its own and extended into areas I never would have expected. I should have seen this coming. Let me expound…
  I spent the better part of the night before last searching for a blanket named Cindy. Yes, you read that right – the blanket’s name is Cindy. How in the world did my daughter decide this is its name? Well, she asked it, of course.
  This is a patchwork blanket made by a relative that is somewhat of a comfort object for my kid. Therefore, the fact that Cindy was AWOL at bedtime became a bit of an emergency. Especially since I had several episodes of Ghost Hunters to watch, and there was no hope of that until the children were sleeping. Self-absorbed, remember?
  Were there a National Blanket Guard, I would have called them. Were there a Scotland Yard of Covers, I would have sent up smoke signals from the roof of my house. But sadly, the efforts of recovery were left to my partner and I, who are apparently woefully inept at locating magical blankets named Cindy.
  We searched high and low, with my little girl trailing behind in a tizzy, declaring an absolute inability to sleep without this item, and her brother watching the whole thing from the couch, rolling his eyes as if to say derisively, “Psh, kids.” Of course, the eye-rolling was done whilst wrapped in his own requisite blanket, so its affect was somewhat diminished.
  Having searched the entire house from top to bottom, there was no Cindy to be found. At this point my darling daughter looked at me like I was a complete idiot and asked me, “Mama, why don’t you just call her?”
  I admit I was confused. I was unaware Cindy had procured a phone in her absence.
  “What do you mean ‘call her’?” I asked this sweet child who was cutting drastically into my DVR time.
  She rolled her eyes at me (notice a pattern yet?) and said in her best teenage-girl voice, “Mom, you know! Call her like Aladdin did, and she’ll just float back into my room!”
  Now I am faced with a dilemma. Do I tell her this is utter nonsense, ruin the open-mindedness and fantastical nature I have worked so hard to build in her, and settle down peacefully to my TV shows? Or do I call out loud to a blanket named Cindy, and ask it – her, excuse me – to please return to us now?
  My partner was no help at all at this point. She simply looked at me, shrugged, and said what she always says when the girl pulls diva-like things such as this.
  “I’ve got the boy.”
  My poor daughter is in tears at this point, and I am right behind her.
  “I can’t sleep without Cindy!” she moans, flinging herself across the bed in her best dramatic display.
  Fine.
  I find myself actually hoping against hope that upon my calling out to this blanket, it will, in fact, float through the door, and I can get to the safety of my couch and my remote. So I do it. That’s right – I stand in the middle of the room and call out to Cindy, the wayward blanket, to please come to us and help the child sleep. The child is frantic, watching the doorway with anticipation. I am frantic as well, because I know in my heart of hearts there is no blanket forthcoming, and I don’t know how I’m ever going to calm my daughter enough to get to sleep without bringing all her hard-won supernatural awareness crashing down around us.
  After several minutes of paging the missing party, I give up, looking down at my sweet little girl, expecting to see her tear-stained face give way to a full-fledged tantrum. That is not what meets my eyes, however. Instead, I see a half-asleep, dreamy-faced angel, lying underneath the blankie that I crocheted for her last year.
  Shocked at this development, I leaned down and told my child in the most sympathetic voice I could muster, “I’m sorry honey. Cindy doesn’t seem to be answering.”
  “That’s okay, mama,” she responds drowsily. “She’s probably sleeping. And I’m really tired. Can you turn off the light?”
  I look at my partner, who just shrugs again, points at herself, mouths the word "boy", and flips the switch.
  Psh. Kids.